


Look at me, only me

by SidneySydney



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood and Violence, Drama, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-09 12:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16450076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidneySydney/pseuds/SidneySydney
Summary: Post season seven. Earth's recovery process begins, but Keith's finding it hard to get a head start on his own.





	Look at me, only me

**Author's Note:**

> (I am still editing this lol bye)

Lance asks Allura a week after they are discharged from hospital.

Keith doesn’t mean to stumble across the moment, was hoping to find the lions’ hanger empty. But it was a shitty case of wrong place wrong time. Lance and Allura’s heads are bent towards each other, hands clasped, fingers weaved between each other. Lance’s mouth is moving and Allura’s smile is stretching—wider, wider. And then she nods, her mouth moving. And then Lance …

Keith slinks away before he actually feels like he’s intruding.

That night he ignores the sick feeling in his stomach. He refuses to acknowledge it. Refuses to attribute it. Because it's only an anomaly. Just something he ate, right?

Because there was no way he …

Keith doesn’t sleep much that night. Because he knows exactly what Lance leant over to do just as Keith left. He imagines it in a million different ways. All of them make him feel sicker.  

 

 

 

Keith sleeps through his alarm clock the next morning. When he finally rolls out of bed his head feels clouded and heavy. He pulls on his new uniform with sluggish movements and then drags himself to his duties, apologising to an annoyed Shiro when he arrives on Atlas’s bridge. It's their first day back in service; safe to say Keith is not making a good first impression.

The rest of the team is there too, chattering, laughing and crowded around …

Lance and Allura, who stand hand in hand. Their smiles are dazzling. Keith takes them in and realises how good they look together. And he’s happy for them.

But Keith’s stomach turns acidic when he approaches the group. And then Lance looks up at him, and his smile is real, with no cracked edges, no hesitation. So Keith smiles back; he hopes it rings true.

Because he’s happy for them. He is.

 

 

 

Keith is teamed up with Veronica for the day. They’re being sent to Plaht City to assist with restoration operations. The lions are still at low capacity after their battle, so they’re in one of the Garrison vehicles. He feels cramped inside the car and his stomach still aches.

Veronica must notice as much. ‘Are you sure you feel okay? You look pale and your face keeps doing that thing.’

Keith glances at her. It’s staggering how much like Lance she looks—narrow eyes and sharp angles, from her chin to her cheeks. She’s the spitting image of him. Or, Lance is of her, Keith supposes. Lance said she was close to Shiro’s age. Keith looks away, watches the desert pass in a blur of red, brown and orange. ‘I’m fine. Just adjusting back to my duties.’

She nods and doesn’t say anything more. As much as she looks like Lance, her sharp, stern nature reminds Keith eerily of himself.

In the reflection of the window he notices a photograph stuck to the dashboard. The corners of the picture are torn up and singed in some areas. In the image is an elderly woman.

‘Who’s that,’ Keith asks, nodding to the image.

Veronica’s eyes dart to the image then back up again. ‘My grandmother. She died from illness when earth was first invaded. Almost a blessing it happened so early, really. There was no way she would have survived until now.’ Short and concise. If Keith didn’t notice the way her eyes tightened then he might think she didn’t care.

‘I’m sorry,’ Keith says, and he means it. 

‘Thank you.’ Her eyes don’t stray from the road ahead. ‘And, Keith,’ she catches his eyes. ‘thank you for bringing Lance back.’

‘I didn’t do anything special. It was everyone.’

‘No, but you’re their leader, right? You could have led them anywhere you wanted, they’d follow, but you led them home. So thank you.’ She smiles at him, and it feels important because he’s never seen her smile much before. But now she’s smiling at him.

And all he can think is that her smile looks just like— _his_. 

 

 

 

They spend the day shifting rubble with a group of fifty other people. Most are construction workers from before earth’s invasion, but others are just ordinary people who want to see their city restored. It's gruelling, tiring and just what Keith needs. By the time it reaches lunch time his entire body is aching and drenched in sweat. His stomach is long forgotten.

He decides he enjoys working with Veronica; she doesn’t expect him to start a conversation and is perfectly comfortable working in silence. Occasionally they’ll share a remark or two, but for the most part they work in quiet tandem.

They have an hour’s break for lunch, so they decide to take a walk down the newly emerging street markets. Humans and aliens work in perfect harmony here. It’s a strange sight but it makes Keith feel more comfortable in his own skin. He’s long since accepted his mixed heritage, but seeing it play out before him like this makes him feel at home. Finally.

They buy a couple of burgers and eat them together in silence until Veronica looks up from her phone and says, ‘So it turns out my brother is officially dating an alien.’

She means Lance, Keith guesses. But just to be sure, he asks, ‘You mean Lance and Allura?’

Veronica nods pushing her glasses up her nose when they slip. ‘I saw it coming from a mile away, but I’m actually surprised he asked her. He’s always been more talk than action.’

‘He’s been obsessed with her since day one, so I’m actually surprised it didn’t happen sooner.’

‘Of course.’ Veronica grins down at her phone. ‘He’s asking me now if I’m bored of you yet.’

Keith laughs, but his stomach is starting to feel sick again.

He throws out the rest of the burger.

 

 

 

They don’t finish until the sun begins to set. He and Veronica are covered in soot and are dog tired as they dump their gloves into the back of the car.

Veronica snorts at Keith when he pats down his uniform and dust plumes around him. ‘I suppose the incentive for wearing the formal uniform in public is important. But not really that practical, is it?’

‘Yeah, I don’t think Shiro really thought this through. It’s like seventy percent white. Well, it was white,’ Keith says with a grin. 

When they’re in the car again, speeding back towards the Garrison, Veronica says to Keith, ‘It was nice working with you today, Keith. I didn’t understand it at first, but think I get why Lance spoke so highly of you when you guys first arrived back. They _all_ speak highly of you.’  

‘He—they do?’ 

‘Of course. You inspire them all. To do better. _Be_ better.’

Veronica’s words cling to him all the way home, and then all through the debriefing, and then all through dinner, rendering him silent until Lance, across from him, kicks his leg. ‘You’ve been awfully quiet, like more than usual. Something up?’

Keith realises his eyes are trained on Lance and Allura’s intertwined hands on the table. He tears his gaze away and reluctantly meets Lance’s. ‘Fine. Just tired from lifting concrete and shit all day.’

‘I’ll say. You’ve got bags as dark bruises under your eyes. Sure you didn’t get in a fight?’

Keith knows he’s supposed to laugh here and take the bait, respond with something snarky, but his eyes stray to Lance and Allura’s hands again and he feels the instinct die. So he shrugs and returns to mechanically shoving food into his mouth, tasting none of it. 

Lance’s eyes linger on Keith for a moment before he turns back to Allura. And then that smile is back. And she’s smiling too.

And Keith should be happy for them. He _is_ happy for them. He even forces his lips into a grin as if it would help. But the sickness in his stomach only gets worse and he feels nothing but emptiness when he looks at the two of them. His blood shouldn’t turn to ice when he sees the way they are drawn to each other. He shouldn’t want to rip them a part and run away at the same time.

He should just be happy for them.

So he doesn’t believe Veronica. How can he inspire anyone when all he feels is this sticky, disgusting darkness?

 

 

 

He doesn’t feel any better as the next week goes by. His putrid mood doesn’t lift; instead, it sits, festers and rots inside Keith. He feels disgusting. Guilty. 

The only saving grace is that he gets to work in town with Veronica every day. Her impassive personality is easy for him to work with. There’s no pressure to be more or less of himself. He can just be. Work. _Forget_. 

One day, while they're removing debris from an old hospital, Veronica lets out a shriek that has Keith on his toes in an instant. All his instincts and all his training floods back into his body and he’s shooting across the rubble towards her. Every worst case scenario rushes through his head. Galra, galra, galra.

When he reaches Veronica, however, he’s relieved to see that she’s alright—not an injury in sight. But her face is pale and stricken. She’s dropped her shovel and her hands are over her mouth.

‘Veronica,’ Keith starts, still panicking, ‘what’s … ’ He trails off when he looks at what she is looking at.

It couldn’t be much bigger than a coin, and it’s been stripped of all its flesh, but it's unmistakably a child’s hand, poking out of the rubble like a flag. 

Keith’s body freezes and his stomach gives away. He reaches out to grasp Veronica’s shoulder, unsure if it’s more for him or for her. Others stand around in similar states of horror. No one speaks.

Until a woman says, ‘This was once the maternity ward. It’s … it’s not the first body we’ve found.’

Keith can’t stop staring at the tiny remains. He feels his eyes growing hot.

Veronica responds, ‘There … there are counselling services available at the Garrison should any of you need help. The work you are all doing is brave and we sincerely thank all of you.’ She breaks off for a moment, and Keith hears her drag in a deep breath. ‘You all should take a break for fifteen minutes. I’ll take care of this.’

Keith tears his gaze away from the remains to stare at Veronica in awe. Here she is still fighting back her own grief and somehow putting duty above all else. Her face hardens and she picks up her shovel again. She doesn’t even flinch when she digs into the rubble. 

‘Keith,’ she says through heavy breaths, ‘get me a body bag would you?’

He nods and trudges away through the rubble. When his foot catches on a rod of metal he collapses to his knees with a hiss. He pushes himself to his feet again. His hands shake for the rest of the day.

 

 

 

The ride home is silent. Neither Keith nor Veronica are game enough to break the silence. Keith stares at the photograph of Lance and Veronica’s grandmother. It was the same no matter what planet he was on: the young and the old were always the first to go. War prayed on weakness, simple as that. Keith was sick of it.

 

 

 

Keith and Veronica part that evening without a word. They both skip dinner and go straight to their rooms. Shiro stops by to bring Keith his dinner. He asks Keith what's wrong and when Keith explains his expression collapses. He offers Keith some words of comfort, but none of it seems to help. The image is burned into Keith’s memory. 

Eventually there’s a knock at his door and when Keith calls them in he’s surprised to see Lance standing there. He watches Keith solemnly for a moment and then enters the room fully. Then he sits down on the bed beside Keith.

Keith is bent over his marmora blade, cleaning it of any smudges.

‘Veronica told me what happened,’ Lance starts, his voice soft. ‘Sorry you had to go through that. That’s … fucked.’

‘It was a maternity ward,’ Keith says. ‘Before. The baby … it would have been only days or weeks old. Didn’t even get a chance at life. It might have gone on to be a doctor itself, or maybe a pilot, or maybe it even would've become the Black Paladin, but we’ll never know. Because it never even got a chance.’

Lance doesn’t say anything, but Keith can feel the way he looks at him. He's waiting for Keith to keep going. 

So Keith keeps talking—the floodgates open now. ‘How many children died because we were too late? How many families were ripped apart before we even knew earth had been invaded? Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, _grandparents_.' Keith draws in a deep breath. 'All gone before we even had a chance to save them.’

Keith feels a hand touch his shoulder. It’s the same hand Lance always holds Allura’s hand with, and when it touches Keith he doesn’t know if he wants to pull it closer or run away. Because it hurts. There on his shoulder it’s a symbol of comradeship. But it’s not where he wants it. He doesn't want comradeship. 

But that kind of touch is reserved only for Allura now. Keith was too late. 

This is all he can have.

 

 

 

Shiro offers Keith and Veronica the following day off. They both decline, so Shiro sends Lance and Allura with them for support. Keith nearly refuses, but bites his tongue; it’d be suspicious if he did.

So Allura and Lance end up with Keith and Veronica in the car. Lance rides shotgun next to his sister, chatting avidly about some event from their past. From the back seat Keith watches how Veronica’s face strains into a fond grin while Lance talks. In the backs of her eyes, though, Keith can tell she’s still haunted by what they saw yesterday.

When he decides that maybe he’s been staring holes into her head for long enough Keith switches his gaze to Lance. He’s dressed in the new uniform that they’ve been assigned, not the silly garrison-styled one that Keith ruined a week ago, but a more work appropriate one. Black armour, on black leathers, on black padding, with the Voltron insignia stitched onto both shoulders. Keith hasn't seen Lance in his uniform yet—the paladin was busy helping Allura and Hunk with diplomatic concerns, so wore only his formal gear.

Keith isn’t surprised to see that Lance looks good in the uniform. His eyes droop down to Lance’s glove-clad hands, which are constantly on the move. They’re thin, narrow hands, reminding Keith of two small, fluttering birds. He recalls the time months ago when he and Lance were on a mission together and Lance’s hand was crushed between two cargo crates on a galra cruiser. He remembers how Lance’s hand felt between Keith’s as he wrapped it in a makeshift bandage. Remembers how thin the bones were, how easily they were broken. The smoothness of the back of his hand.

Keith starts when the car comes to an abrupt stop, and then drags his eyes away from Lance’s hands. God, he was being creepy today.

When he shoves the door open and yanks himself out he catches Allura’s eyes pinned on him. He slams the door shut harder than necessary.

 

 

 

Lance wants to work with his sister so Keith ends up with Allura. It wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing were it not for the fact that she keeps staring at him. And she doesn’t look impressed. He can feel her eyes on him everywhere he goes, like holes of fire being drilled into him.

By lunch time he grows tired of it. ‘ _Allura_ , what’s your problem?’ It comes our harsher than he meant.

Allura straightens and pauses her shovelling. Her silver hair is plastered to her temples with sweat and she has shoot over her nose. ‘Excuse me?’

Keith crosses his arms. ‘You keep staring at me. Why?’

Allura draws back. ‘I—you. _You_.’

‘Yeah, I know _me_. But why? Did I do something to you to piss you off?’

‘No.’ She looks flustered, and so takes a second to breathe in and then settles her expression. ‘The way you look at Lance it —’

‘He looks just like his sister,’ Keith rushes to say before Allura can finish. ‘It freaks me out. I’m weird. I stare at people, whatever.’ He waves a dismissive hand. 

Allura’s expression doesn’t change, but some of the sharpness in her eyes dims. ‘It’s almost eerie, isn’t it? The same eyes and everything.’

Keith forces out a laugh, because it's what's expected. ‘Yeah.’

 

 

 

Lance grabs Keith during their lunch break to drag him over to something he found. His hand grips Keith by the bicep as he pulls him into an old apartment block. The entire north wall has collapsed so the skeletal insides of the building are naked for all to see. Keith’s surprised to see that household furniture and appliances still sit exactly where it they were all those years ago, covered in ash and debris, but still eerily domestic.

Lance pulls Keith into one of the ground-floor apartments. Once inside, he lowers to a crouch and gestures for Keith to do the same while holding a finger to his lips. Then he points under the couch and Keith understands what’s going on.

There’s a dog there. It peers up at them with two dark, distrustful eyes. Keith guesses it was once white but has since been turned charcoal from the ash and dirt.

‘C’mon, girl,’ Lance pleads. Keith sees he’s holding a piece of meat left over from his lunch. ‘I know you want this.’

When the dog shuffles forwards a fraction Lance reaches out and taps Keith’s arm. ‘When she goes for the food you grab her, kay?’

‘Got it,’ Keith confirms.

When the dog finally lurches for the food Keith springs forward to scruff her, but she twists out of his grasp and tries to retreat backwards. Luckily Lance’s hands are there and pin her to the ground just before she can disappear. She whimpers and growls at them both, twisting to get out of Lance’s vice-like grip.

‘Get a blanket or something,’ Lance says with gritted teeth. Keith does, a tattered tea towel, and wraps it around the dog’s head. ‘There we go. Good girl, good girl. Easy does it,’ Lance coos. 

The dog continues to growl at them but has stopped twisting to get free, so Lance pulls back a bit and turns to Keith with a grin. It’s one of those sparkly ones again, and Keith feels disarmed when it’s used against him in such close proximity. Lance’s face is covered in dirt and there’s lines of sweat down his temples, but it’s just the way Keith likes Lance. Animated, dirty and real.

So Keith grins back. And it’s true. 

Then they hear a series of whines coming from beneath the couch and the moment is shattered.

 

 

 

It turns out that the dog had a litter of five pups, all covered in dirt just like their mother. Lance raves about it all through dinner, occasionally pushing Keith to contribute the story.

‘We should try and return her to her owners,’ Lance says at one point.

‘How do you plan on doing that, genius? She has no tags,’ Pidge says dryly.

‘True, but she's microchipped. Veronica had her scanned and it has the owner's name and phone number.’

‘All previous phone numbers are useless now. Phones are barely even back yet,’ Hunk supplies. But he smiles sympathetically. 

Lance’s smile begins to fall, and Keith realises that this idea of Lance’s might be more than just a good deed to him. So Keith says, ‘I’ll help you find them. Won’t be easy if phone numbers are useless, but at least we have a name, right?’

Keith is pleased when Lance’s eyes light up again. They’re on _him._ On Keith. Just for Keith. ‘Really? Oh man, Keith, you are the _best_. Thank you thank you _thank you_.’  

‘Yeah, why not? Gotta keep you busy somehow.’

Keith meets Lance’s grin with one of his own, another real one. He ignores the way Allura’s hand tightens on Lance’s. And the way Lance smooths his thumb over her knuckles. Because Lance is looking at him, and that’s all that matters.


End file.
